WARNING: SERIOUS, SLIGHTLY HEAVY POST AHEAD

"What is it I've got to say...
...to make you admit you're afraid?
Why are you running away?" - "Running Away" by Hoobastank (lyrics)

Over the past few weeks, the concern that has been voiced by many is that I am using my opportunity to travel as a means of running away. For those of you who don't know me well enough to know what I may be running from, a quick synopsis: my grandfather (whom I was very close to) died in June of 2004, my mother was diagnose with cancer in July of 2004 and lost her battle in November of the same year (for those of you who are counting, that's a whole 4 months later); my parents were divorced, but Dad just got remarried to a woman whom I really like, but feel slightly guilty for liking; my sister is not taking any of this well either so she's having her own crisis which I don't know how to deal with but feel that I should given I'm the older sister and I'm supposed to take care of her.

Now, that's a lot to deal with. I acknowledge that, believe me. And I know I'm not handling it extremely well - I tend to internalize my feelings and give the glossy answer of "fine" whenever anyone asks me how I am. However, I do not believe I am simply running away from my grief. Nor am I trying to find an "answer" to my problems. I'm hoping to find peace within myself by exciting my senses and reigniting my desire for life. Can that really be a bad thing?

Some of the things I want to do while traveling will be very introverted experiences. I want to worship in a temple in South Korea; I want to experience the churches of Mexico where it is said miracles happen. I want to dive below the surface of the ocean and hear nothing but the water around me and the sound of my thoughts. I want to taste the spiciness of Central American food, feel the rhythm of salsa music in South America, see the beauty of an Australian sunrise, smell a good wine in France, hear tribal languages in Africa, and sense my mother with me at all times. That's why I'm doing this solo - not just because I get to eat what I want and see what I want, but because I can sit down on a hike and cry if I need to. I can delve inside myself without anyone telling me to "get a move on." And I can make friends with whomever I want - other's experiences will add to my own and create their own memories.

I want to unlock the mysteries I feel inside myself.

I'm not running away; I am embracing.

Lace