I find myself, quite literally, in the midst of a dilemma.

I have two sets of friends: a crazy, drama-loving set and a low-key, more serious set. I enjoy my time with both groups of people; sometimes I need a little stress and sometimes I need a shot of serenity. I like clubbing; I like board games. And I love them all.

But when it comes to certain events (birthdays, New Year's, graduation, etc), I find myself torn between the masses. It's like having divorced parents when you have to decide who you're with on Thanksgiving and who gets Christmas. However, when parents divorce, they know they're going to have to share you from the minute they sit you down on that couch. Friends have no such knowledge. Any time I feel that I must "choose" between the two, it makes me want to spend the day or evening in my room, watching LOST or 24 instead of celebrating anything.

No one makes me feel guilty; none of my friends are really in to the whole guilt trip as persuasion. But I feel as if I've let someone, somewhere down. I don't really know how to reconcile this problem since I feel that never the twain shall meet.

Could someone, somewhere, clone me?

Lace

My sister took my puppy back to Richmond with her...

All week, I've been struggling with this. I absolutely love the little bitch (and she is one, literally and figuratively speaking). She's had as hard of a time with all of this as I have; I don't want her to feel as if she's unwanted and, therfore, shuffled from home to home, mommy to mommy. Everytime she looked up at me from the bed or cuddled down next to me (she's a right ol' bed hog...for a 10-lb. dog) I thought about telling Ramey that I changed my mind (I mean, really, who would that suprise?) and Peepers was coming back to Illinois with me. But then I'd think of my plans for the next few years (whatever they may become...more on that later) and I realized that I'm not reliable enough to care for a dog. Which breaks my heart to say because I've always counted on myself to be mature and put-together. But it's true. I no longer desire a lifestyle that keeps a schedule compatible with owning a pet.

So my sister took my puppy back to Richmond with her...



Lace

So, following my fearless Kitty in Korea, I have downloaded the mega-cool programme "Skype." It allows me to talk to anyone (with the program) over my computer! Dad let me borrow a microphone, so it's functional as of, well, five minutes ago. Search for the user "Wanderlace" and then let me know when you're hooked up!

Now, once again, I have to weigh the pros of taking my computer around the world with me and pit them against the cons...not having to pay international phone bills could be a major selling point...anyone got an opinion?

Lace

PS - Does anyone also have an opinion on why I typed "programme" instead of "program?" I noticed it while proofreading the post... :-P

Happy Thanksgiving!



It's cold outside, but my dad and stepmom are bringing in wood for the fireplace and I'm baking pie crusts in the oven to make chocolate pies (my sister's favorite). Not a bad way to spend a chilly Thanksgiving morning...especially with the residual warmth of cinnamon rolls in my memory.

You know, I have every right to hate Thanksgiving - the holiday has not been kind to my family. My freshman year at Northwestern, I lost a cousin to an automobile accident on Thanksgiving Eve and, of course, last year I lost my mother on the same day before the holiday. However, fall has always been one of my favorite times of year; I love the leaves changing and the cooler weather (although I hate the cold!). As a result, autumn holidays have always been my favorites (my birthday, of course, Halloween, and Thanksgiving).

And, truthfully, I think it's kind of silly to miss a person more just because it's an anniversary of their passing. I miss my mom every day, so the fact that she's been gone a year doesn't make it any worse...in fact, I would think it should lessen a bit each year. Although it's strange to think that I haven't seen (or hugged or talked to) my mom for twelve months, I don't feel I miss her any more (or any less) than I do on any other given day, hour, or minute.

So I'm still able to enjoy my fall. I noticed the leaves when they changed; in Chicago, they seemed to change on my birthday, a gift from Mother Nature just for me. I noticed when I first saw my breath in the morning and I enjoyed the feel of my scarf on the first day it was neccesary. I bought a new winter coat and I savored the scents (and tastes!) of apples and cinnamon and pumpkin.

And now it's Thanksgiving and the above experiences are just a few of the things that I am thankful for. Some others:

*My sister, dad, and stepmom all being together for the holiday.
*My puppy, standing guard over me as I type this post.
*My friends, long-term and recent, who encourage me, make me laugh, support me & love me.
*My memories, which live on in my heart and in things such as chocolate pie for Thanksgiving.
*My life, for with it I am going to do great things.

Last year, I didn't even notice the fall. This year, I'm jumping feet-first into that big pile of leaves in the backyard.

Sweet Dreams,
Lace

"Take me home, country roads
to the place where I belong.
West Virginia, mountain momma,
take me home, country roads." - "Country Roads" by John Denver (lyrics)

Well, I'm back in West Virginia, visiting my family for Thanksgiving. A few warnings to those of you who may ever venture travel between Chicago and West Virginia:

#1 Chicago traffic (usually) sucks. I have been stuck in it for three hours straight on previous trips.

#2 Indiana is boring.

#3 Ohio is boring.

#4 There are a freakin' lot of deer (and trucks) on Rt. 35 in West Virginia.

Other than that, the trip was uneventful. I don't really think much while driving (other than the requisite, "oh, that's a large truck with its turn signal blinking), so no new profound statements from me - but I haven't decided to change anything else either, so maybe this is a good thing.

It feels good to be home. West Virginia may not be the "place I belong" in the long-run, but I definitely enjoy holidays here...especially when I get banana pancakes in the morning.

Lace

WARNING: SERIOUS, SLIGHTLY HEAVY POST AHEAD

"What is it I've got to say...
...to make you admit you're afraid?
Why are you running away?" - "Running Away" by Hoobastank (lyrics)

Over the past few weeks, the concern that has been voiced by many is that I am using my opportunity to travel as a means of running away. For those of you who don't know me well enough to know what I may be running from, a quick synopsis: my grandfather (whom I was very close to) died in June of 2004, my mother was diagnose with cancer in July of 2004 and lost her battle in November of the same year (for those of you who are counting, that's a whole 4 months later); my parents were divorced, but Dad just got remarried to a woman whom I really like, but feel slightly guilty for liking; my sister is not taking any of this well either so she's having her own crisis which I don't know how to deal with but feel that I should given I'm the older sister and I'm supposed to take care of her.

Now, that's a lot to deal with. I acknowledge that, believe me. And I know I'm not handling it extremely well - I tend to internalize my feelings and give the glossy answer of "fine" whenever anyone asks me how I am. However, I do not believe I am simply running away from my grief. Nor am I trying to find an "answer" to my problems. I'm hoping to find peace within myself by exciting my senses and reigniting my desire for life. Can that really be a bad thing?

Some of the things I want to do while traveling will be very introverted experiences. I want to worship in a temple in South Korea; I want to experience the churches of Mexico where it is said miracles happen. I want to dive below the surface of the ocean and hear nothing but the water around me and the sound of my thoughts. I want to taste the spiciness of Central American food, feel the rhythm of salsa music in South America, see the beauty of an Australian sunrise, smell a good wine in France, hear tribal languages in Africa, and sense my mother with me at all times. That's why I'm doing this solo - not just because I get to eat what I want and see what I want, but because I can sit down on a hike and cry if I need to. I can delve inside myself without anyone telling me to "get a move on." And I can make friends with whomever I want - other's experiences will add to my own and create their own memories.

I want to unlock the mysteries I feel inside myself.

I'm not running away; I am embracing.

Lace

These lyrics make a lot of sense to me:

"Did you say everything you could?
Do the things that you thought you would?
Did it ever occur to you that this could be your final day?
Did you go where you wanted to go?
Learn about what you wanted to know?
Did you ever really give something back instead of always taking in?

Did you find what you’re looking for?
Did you get your foot in the door?
Can you look at yourself and feel proud of all the things you’ve done?
Did you inspire the ones that you knew?
Make a difference to those who knew you?
Did you finally figure out what it is that makes us who we are today?

Did you always give it your best?
Is there anything you regret?
If you could have another shot at it all,
Would you do it just the same?

Was it all that you thought it could be?
Are you the person you thought you would be?
Or did it feel like you were spinning your wheels,
Instead of moving forward everyday?

Don’t waste another day
You never know when you'll get one
Don’t waste another day
To do anything you haven’t done"

-"Did You" by Hoobastank (lyrics)

"Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten." - "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield (lyrics)

I've decided, on a whim, to take a new route home. Instead of spending two and a half weeks at home, sitting on the couch, watching movies and playing on the computer, I'm going back to WV via Canada.

I've never been to Canada; for some reason, it's always been something I wanted to do. So when I saw that Toronto is only 9 hours from both Chicago and Hurricane (the same amount of time I drive from Chicago to Hurricane), I knew I could do it. And spending a week exploring two new places - I'm also hitting Niagra Falls - sounds just about perfect. I've never been one to enjoy sitting on my butt for days on end.

So I think I'm leaving on Saturday and heading up to Toronto. Checking out the city for a few days (maybe catching a hockey game or going skiing or anything else that might strike me) and then hitting Niagra for another couple of days. Then it's down to West Virginia for Christmas (if I don't spend too long in Canada, I may see the grandparents in Virginia as well, bringing the total number of states I'll see in a month to...seven). And then back to Chicago for New Year's.

Excellent.
Lace

"Experience is the one thing you can't get for nothing." - Oscar Wilde

(Yeah...tell that to my brokerage account...)

Anyway...it's snowing here. Blech. I hoped to miss it, but it beat my departure by a few days.

But I guess even snow and 40 m.p.h. winds have their pros - I spent most of the day in bed, under my electric blanket, alternating between sleep and reading a book of Tundra comic strips. When I finally got up, I went to the couch, crawled under a blanket, and booted up my computer. The rest of the day has been spent looking at travel websites (see sidebar for some of my favorites) and drinking tea/eating warm cranberry orange bread.

I did venture outside for a foray to one of the public libraries nearby, but I was only outside about 15 minutes total (walking to and from car) and I got books on warm locations (Mexico and Central America) so it almost deferred the frostbite.

So, yeah, spent the entire day planning first leg of my on-my-own trip. I'm not so worried about South Korea - Beth's been there for a few months and I'm most interested into bumming around with her anyway, so I'm not looking into the tourist sites too much. Besides, there's almost nothing in the library for that country, so I'll just have to trust Beth.

But Mexico and Central America...that's a different ballgame. I'm thinking Mexico's gonna take about a month; but following Ronald and Alex (through stories, blogs, and emails), I'm already resigned to the fact that it'll probably take longer. However, to have the best intentions trampled, one must first have intentions. Here're mine:


Fly to Austin, TX; Take Greyhound from Austin to Mexico City (this gives me a chance to see the part of the countryside I don't really feel a need to see close-up); A few days in Mexico City, including side trips to Teotihuacan and Taxco; On to Guadalajara, with a side trip to Tequila (woot); Puerto Vallarta would be next, hopefully including certification in scuba diving (double woot); Then Acapulco...why? I don't know; Oaxaca follows, because they have good chocolate and I'll need it by then...plus an awesome cooking school; I'll go up towards the Yucatan Penninsula at this point - Saint Christobal de las Casas and Merida are the towns of interest - no Cozumel or Cancun for me, thanks very much.

And then on to Central America.

(You're right, I have nothing more interesting to contribute to your reading than simple plans...my life is sleeping, reading comic books, and planning my trip for crying out loud!)

Anyway, that's about all the planning I'm putting into my Mexico leg. Some people will read this and think "that's it?!?!" And other people will look at it and say "dude, that's waaaaaay too planned." To both parties, a pox on you. This is what keeps me sane as I go through vaccines and getting my passport and yadda yadda yadda.

I need a bathing suit.

Lace

"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else." - Erma Bombeck

Well, Erma was obviously never a blogger...but she's right, to a degree. Once we share our dreams, our ambitions, or goals with others, there is a certain degree of accountability we may be held to. That's one reason I began this rambling...and one reason I jumped right into the dream of traveling the world. I need people to hold me to my dreams or I may let them drift away into the sea of uncertainty. Sometimes, I don't have much faith in myself...I need others to have it for me.

Which brings me to the progression of my travel plans. Yesterday, I spent all day at various (read, two) doctors. I spent almost $800 getting my eyes checked, ordering new contacts (ones that I'm allowed to sleep in!) and updating my glasses so the prescription actually allows me to see. Then I went to get my physical, resulting in a very sore arm; why is it they have to draw blood and give vaccines in the same arm?!? Oh well, a sore arm is better than the flu or Hepatitis A...but I'm still not looking forward to the 5+ more vaccines I have to get.

Monday, I have two more doctors appointments. Then I'm spending the rest of the week packing for home, cleaning so I don't leave the apartment a disaster for Lauren, and seeing as much of my friends as possible.

I'm also looking into very basic plans for my travels. On this point, I'm not sure how much planning should really be done; the whole point is to be open to changes, traveling with new friends, trying new things, and getting the most out of my travels. If I want to stay an extra day or so in Guadalajara, for example, I don't want to feel confined by my "plans." But if I don't plan it out a little bit, what am I going to do for the next two months before leaving for Korea?

If you're interested, here's my (very basic) plan:

November 19-30 : West Virginia
December 1-9 : Chicago
December 10-28 : West Virginia/Virginia
December 29-January 18 : Chicago (ADPi-Gamma Beta Recruitment)
January 19-February 16 - KOREA!! Visiting Bethles.
February 17-23 : Chicago
February 24 : Leave for the GRAND ADVENTURE
(aka Mexico->Central America->South America)

That's really the bare bones. I'm starting to look into getting to said places, but no tickets are being bought yet. There are too many details yet to work out. However, a plane ticket from Chicago to Austin, TX is only $100; Greyhound from Austin to Mexico City is $80. So I'm looking, while not yet purchasing. Mmmm...excitement.

Anyway, if you read this, please remind me that I can do this and it's not some pipe dream...

Lace

"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad." - C. S. Lewis

At first, comparing myself to an egg sounded rather silly. But I kept the quote because 1) I liked the thought of "hatching or going bad" and 2) he said jolly. I mean, really, how can you not like a quote that has "jolly" in it. Or "bugger." That's another good word.

Anyway, the point of the quote was finding one that reminded me of why I'm turning my life upside down and inside out all at the same time. I mean, these are some major changes: breaking up with a boyfriend of one and a half years, giving my dog (who's crazy, but loveable as well...and keeps me warm at night) back to my sister, quitting all semblances of a job or looking for a job, and making plans to go places where I don't even speak the language (or maybe haven't even eaten their food!!). It's all slightly overwhelming when I think about it too much.

But C.S. Lewis was right. I'm afraid that if I stay here, I'll stagnate. I won't make the changes in the world that I know I'm capable of. This travel, this experience, this throwing of myself out of my comfort zone will be good for me in the long run. I'll gain valuable abilities (I mean, really, how many people can ask for a bathroom in 12 different languages?!?), while, hopefully, having a grand ol' time and maybe even finding "myself." A friend put it to me this way today: "there are so many people who just stay with something because it's comfortable...you are challenging that comfort and i am proud of you for that...you're not settling." That really hit home...and made me appreciate that much more the friends I've made while here. Just for the record, you're never the reason I had to leave. I'll miss you all more than you (and probably even I) know.

And with that, good night. I have vaccines tomorrow...

Lace

A thousand mile journey begins with one step. - The Tao of Pooh

Touching down at Oakland International, I was second-guessing my decision to travel solo. Even to a place I was (slightly) familiar with; I wondered who I would talk to, what I would do, and why I had been so excited for this "opportunity." But I love San Francisco, and it was a gorgeous day, so I didn't get on the next flight back to Chicago as my stomach told me I should.

I had a great time. I knew I would be okay on my second night there. I was sitting at the bar in a restaurant, eating a late dinner (when you travel solo, you eat at bars in crowded restaurants...the tables are for groups). A woman and her son sat next to me (it was quite crowded). When their food came, they asked the waitress for ketchup; she had just brought it to me, so I offered the use of the bottle I had. I ended up with two interesting dinner companions, with whom I talked about ringing bells in churches and how weird religious leaders are in the States (they were from Britain). I didn't eat "alone" for the rest of my trip.

Soon after that, I made friends at the hostel, and then the trip was much better. I met Janet in the bunk next to mine; she was on holiday (that sounds so much better than vacation!) from Germany and we bonded over morning complaints of all the snorers in our room. Ronald and Alex's first night at the hostel was on Wednesday night; Ronald is Dutch and Alex is British- they met in a Seattle hostel and are now traveling together until Mexico or some sort plan. We traveled to another SF hostel together, thinking there was an event, but wound up eating at a nice lil' Indian restaurant (my first time!) after discovering the event had been cancelled.

The rest of the trip, we did as we pleased during the day and met up at night. Over the course of the event, I hiked Telegraph Hill, explored Chinatown, made use of the public transportation, shopped a Farmer's market, went to Berkeley, toured Monterrey and Carmel to the south, browsed the art museum in Golden Gate Park, got lost, experienced a public bathhouse, and saw a sunset over the Pacific Ocean. Not to mention made some great friends.

Ronald, Me, Alex

The point of this narrative was to explain to people why I quit my job, gave my dog to my sister, applied for my passport, and various other odds and ends that will allow me to make use of my "year off." Thus far, it has been overrun with accepting obligations that I didn't really want and slowly siphoning off my time until there was none left for me to do what I wanted. And so, I'm done with that. From this point forward, my year off (or two or three or until I return) is my own. I'm making plans to visit Puerto Rico in December, Korea in January, and in February, my real adventure begins...from Mexico City to the tip of South America in...however long it takes.

Finally, a dream I can follow through on.

Just keep me focused.

Lace